Ever since I was a little kid of 5 years old, I overheard adults telling each other off for their feelings.
"You've got to drop your jealousy."
"You have to stop being angry."
"You need to be happier."
it has always been incredibly obvious to me that no one has ever managed to tell successfully berate anyone else into a different emotional state, certainly not a positive one anyway! If my childhood taught me anything, it is that people process their emotions at their own pace. No one can force them to be a more enlightened version of themselves and in fact I find the very act quite disgusting.
According to all of these terribly clever people who have met me for 10 minutes at a time, I am "suffering" from ptsd and "must drop my anger if I want to get through this."
Was that intended to be supportive and helpful? The effect was to remove all hope, and plunge me. Into despair, so ... thanks?? I'm upset about the fact that my endometriosis was ignored and mistreated until I thought I was crazy, then finally given cancer from the wrong medication. But now I should also feel guilty about being upset? And how the fuck is that meant to help me?
i've stopped talking to my therapist since she forgot our last appointment. Her apology was heartfelt and I appreciate her work, but I don't feel like it was helping anymore. I wasn't strong enough and I didn't feel understood or heard at all since the chemo started. I don't really feel like anyone grasps how bad chemo is actually... it's become untenable on every level. There is not a point where I'm going to feel okay about this. I just can't. It's terrible.
I'm tired of doing that polite thing where lovely, kind people tell me incredibly obvious shit about myself and I nod and thank them as if they've finally uncovered the holy grail. I know why I hurt and I know it isn't going away. I won't ever heal completely from this, I know I'm tense and scared and broken. What do they want for noticing the most obvious thing in the world? I give them my gratitude but they're telling me superficial nonsense that is obvious to a child. Perhaps deep insight and personal work just isn't possible right now, while my body is depleted...