The Fear

I just did a meditation where it told me to name my negative feeling, greet it, even personify it, so that it would create more of a separation between me and the emotion/thought, and so that it would make me more aware of it when I slip into that behavior in life.

My first thought was that if I'm going to have to be Superman to get through this, then my cancer is Lex Luthor and the chemo is Kryptonite. I'll have to expose myself to something that could kill me in order to kill off this murderous, devious interloper. Lex is weaker than me, so before the Kryptonite kills me, it will kill Lex Luthor and I will be saved. Weakened, but saved, and I'll quickly recover as Earth's yellow sun revives my super physique.

Yes, the meditation was talking about feelings. But it's really hard to tweeze out any one specific feeling from the massive pile of feelings associated with having cancer and the painful treatments for it. Fear, sadness, disappointment, misery... then all the mourning and pain associated with all of the loved ones I've lost to cancer, that keeps coming up unbidden. I can't help it. 

My oncologist at Cedar's, (the one I'm not getting me chemo from because she isn't local, but she set up the treatment plan) said a telling thing at the end of our last office visit. She was telling me what I could eat or do during chemo and finally she just looked at me with the saddest eyes and said "Just do whatever you can to maintain your sanity."

I'm trying to hard to prepare for this, I suppose I feel like if I dot all my "i"s and cross all of my "t"s then I'll have at least done everything I can to make this as good as possible. But it will be bad, even if I do everything right. This is known. I can only hope that my superhuman, Kryptonian invulnerability and strength will help me through this.