Last night I didn't sleep, so I'm much more emotional than usual. I could take a lot of drugs again, but now that I'm able to stand the pain with only tylenol, I want to keep my clear head for as long as I can (such as it is).
At first I thought I'd be able to sleep, and for an hour I did even though it was tough to fall asleep. My stomach felt strange, and then at 2:30am I woke up and realized it ached, not the same way it did with the chemo, but it hurt badly and kept me up all night.
Because I couldn't sleep, I ended up chatting with friends online, which is great because this non-existent immune-system problem is making me really isolated. It would be nice to go out, be in the world, just shop or eat lunch out or something... but this was good because my friend Norcross said this beautiful thing I used to title this diary entry. It threw a little sunshine into my morning, made it seem lovely and strange to stay awake all night, meditating and listening to music and clutching my stomach... instead of scary and sad, which it also was.
Partly I think the stomach ache is related to my hormonal cycle, because it was an extremely acidic problem. That shouldn't be a problem much longer because the chemo should shut down my menstrual cycle soon, at least while I'm on it. And I also think the pain was because I drank a huge glass of fresh, green vegetable juice at 9pm last night, which is just a bad idea that late at night. It's meant to give me energy for the day, that's why I usually drink it in the morning... but with the low white blood count I thought I ought to try and help my body out a little. Ooops.
So the hormonal stuff would also explain why I'm suddenly having a really hard time believing I'll live through this. It could also be the blood test results, that doesn't help... I really don't know. But I do know that this is a miserable way to feel. In half an hour I've got therapy for the first time in a couple of weeks, so perhaps that'll help me move on from this dour nonsense. She often helps me to see myself with a lot of clarity. I hate having to have a session online, but I can't go into the office for fear of getting sick and dropping dead or just delaying treatment until the cancer gets me. Ugh ugh ugh. Thank fuck for all the internet stuff, if I couldn't talk to my friends, do a little designing, and see my therapist I'd probably be going crazy right now. No wonder people like support groups! People need people.