It became really clear to us (well, to Joe and then finally to me) that I can't work through this. With chemo every two weeks knocking me out for about 10 days, I only get 3 or 4 "good" days. And those "good" days feel a lot like having flu - the nausea and bone pain is still lingering in the background, my sciatica from the bone pain hasn't gone, my hands shake, I'm weak, and it's hard to do anything beyond care for myself.
More importantly, if I only have 3-4 days every 2 weeks where I feel even slightly capable, I need to do something nice and good for myself. Like yesterday, when Farne took me to the beach for a couple of hours. I'm lucky I live so close, we just drove half an hour and didn't even have to go on any freeways. And the beach is so beautiful, just glorious to wade in the ocean and watch Farne swimming out a little (so brave, it was cold in the see that day too!) It was so inspiring and energizing that I realized how essential it is that I do something nourishing for myself when I'm able to.
While I adore my work, it can't be all I do right now. I just do not have the strength to get through chemo and take care of all the crazy things it does to my body AND do a job, even a small one. It's very sad, and at first it scared me ("what if this is the last time I can work?!") but I have to look at the future and believe I'll have one, so that I can enjoy the time I have right now...
This is terrifying, nothing about it is easy.